STREET SMARTS

Keeping up with fashion trends.

Created by: Sam Mechling

STREETWALKER: Wanda Calloway
TASTES LIKE: The floor of a cab on New Year's
NICKNAME:
"The D*ck Whisperer"

WINO: Jimmy Hawkes
SMELLS LIKE: That bloated empty jug next to your kitchen trashcan
PERSONAL QUOTE: "I've killed more p#$$y than animal control!"wind pipe!"

Connie, a nurse from South Bend asks: What's the deal with girls not wearing bras now? Aren't they worried their breats are going to sag?!		STREETWALKER: "Deeeyam! I'll tell you what makes my babies go flat: them mammogram machines! That sh*t is like a panini maker that makes floppy titty sandwiches	WINO: "Let me tell you, Connie! MY hooters are as flat as paper! You wanna write a love letter on my areola with your tongue, hot buns?!
	Billy, a software engineer from Walkerton asks: Can you explain to me why everyone is wearing tight jeans right now? They just seem hot and itchy to me.	STREETWALKER: "Sh*t, when I start to itch: I usually just give my buddy "Blind Bob" an old penny and convince him my junk is a lottery ticket!"	WINO: I can't STAND tight-ass trousers! It makes me feel like I'm sittin' on a barbed-wire fence and one nut is in Texas and the other is in Mexico!"
Jess, a yoga instructor from Bristol asks: When did it become okay for guys to wear mustaches? I always thought they looked creepy, but I guess they're cool now?		STREETWALKER: "Nah, baby! That sht ain't NEVER been cool. Just look at this fool right here! Nice "cck broom", Jimmy Hawkes! You creep-a-deep!"	WINO: "F*K you, Wanda, you tranny-ass. It ain't no "cck broom" that sh*t is a "p#$$y rake"!"

August

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Street Smarts

	STREETSMARTS Helping you stay cool this Summer. Created by: Sam Mechling
STREETWALKER: Holly Ratcliff TASTES LIKE: An old rubber glove soaked in Easter egg dye NICKNAME: "Skirt Steak"		WINO: Ralph Paige SMELLS LIKE: A spittoon filled with pond water PERSONAL QUOTE: "I will tongue-punch your wind pipe!"
STREETWALKER: "Shit, I used to rock a wet cotton t-shirt to stay cool, but the cops put a stop to that! Apparently Officer Williams thinks that,".... nobody wants to look at two cow stomachs filled with Jergens. What a tight-a$$!"	Chiara, a pharmaceutical rep from South Bend, asks: Do you know what fabrics work best in hot weather? I want to stay cool but I don't want to pay $60 for a Nike Dri Fit shirt!	WINO: "Wooo! Have you ever ran eight city blocks in a polyester Sponge Bob costume?!?! Those motherf*ers are hotter than five racoons f*ing in a sleeping bag!"
STREETWALKER: "Well, my pimp Crazy Eyez says that if he doesn't see more "tail money" than "bail money" he's gonna "water board" my a$$! I don't know what that is, but if its like water skiiing, it sounds refreshing!!!"	Billy, a software engineer from Walkerton, asks: Next week, I'm going to a lake house with friends to cliff jump and water ski, but I don't know how to swim. How am I going to avoid sweating the whole time?	WINO: "It's no big deal. I usually cool off vicariously. I just grab myself a big ole' Bomb-Pop and watch the local kids run through a sprinkler. Eatin' good in the neighborhood!"
STREETWALKER: "Oooo BABY! You're making ME hot, sugar! You're so fine, I'd suck the fart out of your weight bench!"	Jake, a personal trainer from Elkhart, asks: Lately the humidity has made me so hot, but the only pool near my house is a public facility. Are they as dirty as everyone says?	WINO: "Yes Sir! They are correct! Every Friday, at the YMCA community swim, I dive down into the deep end and rub one out while I hold my breath. I call it the "poached egg" 'cause of how it just floats there! Bloop! Bloop! Bwahahaha!!!"

July

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Street Smarts

	STREETSMARTS Celebrating your personal independence. Created by: Sam Mechling
WINO: Carl Hanley SMELLS LIKE: an electric fire at a pig farm PERSONAL QUOTE: "You ever eat chicken salad made of chicken sh*t?!?		SREETWALKER: Jazmin Dunn TASTES LIKE: A dead sea otter covered in crude oil NICKNAME: "Dust Ruffles"
WINO: "Huge a$$hole? I'll tell you who has a huge a$$hole: Jazmin Goddamn Dunn!!! I head that thing is so huge, if you put your ear up next to it, you can hear the sound of the ocean!!!"	Allyson, a hostess from Osceola: Recently I broke up with my boyfriend of five years because I caught him cheating on me. Do you have any advice on how to get over a huge a$$hole like my ex?	STREETWALKER: "He's RIGHT! I rode The Batman Ride at Six Flags with my mini skirt on!!! The air kept whistlin' over it, and it sounded like somebody blowing on the top of a Coke bottle!!!"
WINO: "Sh*t, you should have seen the contraband my cellmate used to hide inside me while I was in the joint. The guards used to call me "Mr. Potato Head", because once, during a cavity search, a fake mustache and a pair of sunglasses fell out of my damn backside!!!"	John, an electrician from Goshen asks: Last month I was released from prison after serving a three-year sentence. Now that I am free, how am I supposed to live with the terrible thingsthat happened to me while I was in there?	STREETWALKER: "Ooooh, baby. One time, the women in my cell block were brewin' homemade sangria in a toilet and my dumb-ass flushed it on accident. LORD! They beat me so bad; my face looked like Precious if she had an allergic reaction to a goddamn bee sting!!"
WINO: "Awww f**k your story, peckerwood! Last Spring, I drank so much Listerine, the cops found me in a nursing home trying to dry-hump a 92 year old retired teacher. One of the detectives said it looked like a "mummy fight"!!!"	Travis, a DJ from Niles, asks: I had a very traumatic experience involving crystal meth and I've been drug free ever since. Do you think I should share my story with others to help them?	STREETWALKER: "That's all you got? Back in 1984, at "Monsters of Rock", I ate so much Demerol; I puked, pissed and shat myself simultaneously. I ain't kidding! I looked like a goddamn Play-Doh Spaghetti Factory!!!